Beside Herself Page 6

  Hannah dismissed that, and as the years went by and the kids were born, she assumed Kim thought of him less and less. But then Hank came across their reconnection, and he flipped. He knew Kim’s passwords, so he was able to see their private Facebook messages and even their emails to each other. There was never anything truly incriminating, but there was a closeness, a banter, and Hank couldn’t let it go. He turned into a jealous maniac, always wanting to know what Kim was doing, never trusting her responses. And instead of working to fix it or trying to reassure Hank, Kim decided she deserved better, that she was the wronged party there. And she pushed Hank away until he was gone, out the door, taking the kids with him for half the week and sometimes the whole week, like now.

  And of course Hannah had been right about Wesley. Kim hadn’t asked him straight out if he wanted to rekindle their long-ago romance, but she’d hinted at it, once Hank had left, and Wesley wanted no part of it. He never had. Thinking of those secret messages, the misplaced love, Hannah couldn’t stand it. Those things had never been close to home before, at least not to her home, and now they were. What she especially couldn’t stand was the idea of that moment when you went from not knowing, from completely trusting, to knowing, and then to questioning everything. She took a deep breath, but the dizziness didn’t dissipate at all; it just got worse. She climbed off the stool and practically crawled to the couch in the corner, where she leaned back as far as she could go.

  “Are you okay?” Kim asked, seeming to be truly present for the first time since Hannah had arrived. “Are you sick?”

  “I don’t even know where to begin,” Hannah said, and now Kim looked more focused, sitting up straight and bugging out her eyes, and Hannah wondered briefly if she thought she was going to tell her she had some awful disease. “A lot has happened in the last twenty-four hours, but the worst thing, the life-changing thing I discovered, is that Joel had an affair.”

  Kim, who had taken a big bite just before Hannah had started to go downhill, coughed, then swallowed with effort.

  “Are you playing a trick on me?” she said with narrowed eyes. “To make me feel better or something?”

  “A trick?” Hannah said. “Do you think I would trick about that? And honestly, would that make you feel better?”

  “No, I don’t. And no, of course it wouldn’t. But it can’t be possible. There is no way.” Kim put the lid back on the salsa and came to sit on the floor below Hannah. “Are you sure?”

  Hannah nodded.

  “Like, Joel-admitted-to-it sure?”

  Hannah nodded again.

  “I am so, so sorry,” Kim said, taking Hannah’s hand. “Wow, I really wouldn’t have ever guessed that Joel would do that. I’m shocked.”

  “That makes two of us.”

  “I have four questions,” Kim said, leaning closer to Hannah. “The answers to these questions will tell me everything I need to know. Believe me, I have given infidelity and perceived infidelity and the dismantling of a marriage and family a lot of thought. First, is it still going on?”

  “The affair? No,” Hannah said. “At least he says it isn’t.”

  “Is he sorry?”

  “Yes, he has said he is sorry. I mean, I didn’t want to hear it, but.”

  “Does he love her?” Kim asked, cutting her off. “I assume it was a her. Or does he seem sad that it’s over? Can you tell?”

  “Yes, it was a her, and he says it’s over, and he actually said he didn’t love her,” Hannah said. “I didn’t like that he used that word, but he did say it.”

  “And the last question: Does he want to stay married to you?” Kim asked, moving even closer. Hannah could see her hair was greasy on the top.

  “Yes. I mean, yes, I think so,” Hannah said. “He does not seem to want to break up. He made an appointment with a marriage counselor for tonight.”

  “Okay, then,” Kim said, like that settled it. She sat back against her heels again. Then pushed up abruptly. “One other question, one very important one. Do you want to stay with him? I mean, I get that you must be so mad, of course, but I guess what I’m asking is, Do you see this as a ticket out? You have never, ever let on that you were anything but happy with Joel, but people keep a lot of surprising things to themselves. This is crucial: Do you see this as a possible free ride to freedom?”

  “No,” Hannah said quickly. “I was happy, really happy, and you know, with the kids and Richard, it would be so hard to juggle all that if we are apart, and I mean, it’s Joel—I still like him. At least I did until last night. But what else can you do? Do people ever recover from this sort of thing? Every affair I’ve heard of has ended in divorce. Have you ever heard of one that didn’t?”

  “Well, no, but I think that’s because those people probably don’t talk about it,” Kim said thoughtfully. “They probably keep it quiet.”

  “Maybe,” Hannah said slowly, shaking her head.

  “Please don’t give up,” Kim said so forcefully it startled Hannah. “If there is one thing I know for sure, one piece of advice I can give you, it’s that things can go wrong, they can go very wrong, and you do not have to be so quick to throw it all away. There are other ways to do it. Look around. Does this look like any sort of happy to you? Do anything and everything you can to hold it together. This is no way to live.”

  “It’s going to get better for you,” Hannah said. “Lots of people are way happier once they get divorced. Mindy, for example—she’s so much happier now.”

  “That’s true,” Kim said, nodding. “But she was in a terrible marriage. He was emotionally abusive.”

  “Yes, he was. He was such an asshole,” Hannah said. “Also, Linda is much happier. I mean, it took a while, but she told me not too long ago that she’s happier than she’s ever been as an adult.”

  “Well, yes, I can see that,” Kim said.

  They heard something, a buzzing, and Kim got up and looked frantically for where it was coming from. She found her phone and rushed around to open all the curtains and shutters, throwing unfolded blankets and pillows on the floor behind the big couch in the living room. She literally took her arm and swiped everything that was on the coffee table—and there was a lot of stuff—off and onto the floor with her outstretched arm. She sat on the couch, fluffing her hair and trying to arrange her face to look happy, and in the time all that took, the phone stopped ringing. She took a deep breath and called back.

  “Hello, honey,” she said, holding her phone out in front of her and smiling at it. Hannah could see Kim’s daughter, Savannah, on the screen, standing somewhere in a red bikini. “Where are you guys?”

  “Volcano Bay,” Savannah said enthusiastically. “It’s the best! Daddy surprised us. I wanted you to see it. See the river? Can you see it? It’s a lazy river but not really lazy. It moves fast. I love it. I’m going to go on it again.”

  “Wow,” Kim said, sounding so normal Hannah almost bought it. “I can see it so clearly, and that is the coolest thing ever. Wait, is that a Disney water park?”

  “No, Universal! I always wanted to go to Universal! I couldn’t believe it when Daddy said we were coming here today. Oh, wait, Daddy and Michael are calling me. They want to do the not-lazy river again. We got a cabana, like, our own personal hut with an honest-to-God fruit basket! I could not believe my eyes. Okay, Mommy, I have to go.”

  “You go, sweetie, I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” Kim said, continuing to sound completely okay. “Send lots of pictures! Have a great time!”

  “Bye, Mommy.”

  Kim held the phone up for a moment longer than she had to. She couldn’t possibly have wanted more of that conversation. Finally, she put her phone down and slowly picked up all the things that she had pushed off the table—a few books, a Kleenex box, an empty coffee mug that somehow hadn’t broken. She sat heavily back on the couch.

  “That sucked,” she said. “And really, Savannah is excited about a fruit basket? I don’t think she has willingly eaten fruit since that caramel apple in
October.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Hannah said. She stood up slowly. The dizziness was gone. “Are you going to be okay? I mean, I can see you aren’t okay, but I have to go and deal with the mess that is now my family. I didn’t even tell you the rest of it, that we were evacuated from our house last night because of carbon monoxide, that Joel had to go to the ER.”

  “Is he okay?”

  “Yeah, I think so. I haven’t been home in hours. I really have to go. What will you do now?”

  “Watch a few more episodes of Six Feet Under, take some Xanax, and go to sleep.”

  “Can you have lunch tomorrow?”

  “No,” Kim said. “I have a work thing I can’t blow off. I am actually going to have to wash my hair and get dressed and leave the house, so don’t worry. I’m not quite as bad as this looks.”

  The way she said it made Hannah think that despite all of this, despite the shocking sadness and the loneliness, she was all right. At least that’s what Hannah had to believe to be able to leave.

  “I’ll call you tomorrow,” Hannah said. “But call me if you want to talk sooner.”

  Kim walked over to her and gave her a hug, and Hannah wished she had been the one to offer the comfort.

  “Do not forget what I said,” Kim said. “Despite your examples of happily divorced women, I would do pretty much anything to be a whole family again.”

  CHAPTER FIVE

  As soon as she walked in the door, the kids rushed to meet her, shoving each other out of the way to get to her. Normally she would sit down on the floor and give them an order to talk in, switching it up each time. She would listen, taking each of them onto her lap as they spoke and sniffing their heads. But she just couldn’t do it now. She was going to cry, and she didn’t want to scare them.

  “Wait, I just need one minute,” she said, pushing gently by. They looked stunned, standing side by side. She couldn’t blame them for feeling dejected like that. She owed them—she had been away for hours, plus she hadn’t even talked to Ridley yet today—but she just couldn’t do it right at this moment. She still had her backpack flung over her shoulder, though her time at the Y seemed so long ago now, and she hoisted it up and walked toward the stairs. Joel was in the same place on the couch where she’d left him, and when she saw him, she wanted to scream. The rage she felt was so strong she had to force herself to keep moving, up the carpeted stairs, the kids still standing like statues, because what she wanted to do was smack him over the head with her bag and ask him how he could do this to her, how he could ruin their family, sending her down a dark path that was eerily similar to Kim’s.

  “Hannah,” Joel called, still sounding weak, which annoyed her even more. “Can we just talk?” she heard him say, but she was up the stairs and in their room, closing the door behind her quietly and sinking to the floor and crying loud, choking tears that she tried her best to keep quiet because she guessed the kids were not too far away. She made sure the door was completely shut and moved to her bed. First she lay down, but she had a hard time breathing while she cried and tried to not make any sound, so she sat up. Seeing Kim like that had been almost scary. It was like she was trapped in her big, beautiful house, like the thing that once had been so comforting and seemed to be the perfect endgame had turned into a nightmare. She pulled out her phone and texted Joel.

  Can you keep the kids down there? I’m not feeling well but will try to get it together in time to go.

  She didn’t want to go, but she didn’t want to stay here either. It was worse than she had expected. She showered and got dressed, thinking that her skin almost hurt and wondering if that was possible. Could skin catch all the badness and hold it inside?

  Is Monica still here? she texted Joel before coming down. She knew she couldn’t linger. She had to walk through and out.

  Yes, and kids fed, Joel wrote back.

  I’m going to come down and we have to go right out, I can’t handle this, she texted.

  No problem, he texted right back.

  Tell them I don’t feel well and I’m sorry but I have to go right out.

  No problem, he texted again.

  She took one last minute to look around—it was the first time she’d done all these seemingly normal things like showering and getting dressed since she’d found out. But really what had she been doing when Joel had been with Tara, rolling around on rose petals? She had been here, taking showers and making beds and sitting on the orange couch and dealing with the kids—one after the other.

  She opened the door slowly, half expecting to see the kids right out there, and went down the stairs. Joel was standing at the front door, wearing a tan corduroy blazer, looking reasonably strong and good, and she was relieved about that. She smiled at the kids, gave them a little eye roll as if to say, Isn’t this a pain, followed by a wink to tell them it was all okay. Monica was in the kitchen, putting together bowls of ice cream.

  “Be back soon,” Hannah said quietly as Joel held the door for her, and she went through, waiting on the other side for him, her throat tight.

  “The office is right on Broad. We can walk,” Joel offered before she had to ask.

  When they got to Broad, Hannah immediately thought of Kim, not too far south of where they were now, in her dark house and probably already asleep for the night, and she walked a little faster.

  “Fight on!” she heard Joel say, really yell, and for a split second Hannah thought he was talking to her about them. Then she saw the couple coming toward them, both wearing gold and cardinal, the colors of USC, with big letters on the front of the man’s shirt. The woman even had matching sneakers.

  “Fight on!” they both called back to Joel, smiling as they passed.

  “Now?” Hannah managed to say. “You have to do that now?”

  “Did you see how happy that made them?” Joel said. “It was so easy.”

  So many things ran through her mind. Why was it so easy to make other people happy? Why couldn’t he take the energy it took him to remember almost every single college rally cry in the country—she had never seen him miss one—and use it to focus on what was important: namely, not betraying his wife and family? And finally, there was that tiny piece of her that was always impressed. He was like a party trick, but instead of naming all the Kentucky Derby winners the way some people could, he could match any school to its mascot and cheer. When it suited her, she liked it. Now, though—well, now it was not only annoying but also another glimpse of what she was likely to lose in all of this.

  “It’s on the second floor,” Joel whispered when they stepped inside. She followed him up the stairs, and at the landing she looked out the window. She was struck by how strange it was to be doing this in their neighborhood. She could see the tippy top of the tallest tree on their block.

  “Hello,” the woman greeted them as they took the last few steps. She was waiting in the doorway. “I’m Leslie Needway.”

  She reached out her hand, and Joel was right there, ready to shake.

  “I’m Joel Bent,” he said. “And this is my wife, Hannah. Thank you for seeing us on such short notice.”

  “I’m glad it worked out,” Leslie said, but there was no emotion to her voice. Hannah didn’t believe that she was really glad it had worked out. “Come on in.”

  The room was sparsely decorated, with a corporate-looking desk and a sofa and two chairs. Leslie sat on one of the chairs, and Joel sat on the couch. Hannah just stood there.

  “Please, take a seat,” Leslie said.

  Hannah continued to stand.

  Leslie shrugged and turned toward Joel. “We spoke briefly about what brought you in today. Is there more you can tell me?”

  “What did he say?” Hannah erupted. “When he told you briefly about what brought us in today? Did he mention that he basically ruined everything we’ve built? That we have an amazing family and what I have always thought of as an amazing marriage—the actual partnership between us—and now that’s all gone? That this is one hundred
percent his fault?”

  While Hannah spoke, Leslie had to crane her neck slightly to see her. Now she shifted and moved her chair around in jerky motions so she wouldn’t have to do that.

  “Something like that,” Leslie said.

  When nobody said anything more, Leslie cleared her throat.

  “I understand this is a jolt to your system, Hannah, and that Joel has had more time to process this, to live with the choices he’s made and to consider what that might mean to you, to your family,” Leslie said. “I also understand Joel’s hope is to make this work, to stay together.”

  Joel nodded vigorously. Hannah wanted to walk out. It felt like this stranger was already on Joel’s side. Like she was his therapist first.

  “Okay, then,” Leslie said, smoothing her navy skirt with both hands, once slowly and then two quick swipes. “In order to do that we really have to get to the bottom of why Joel did this. I’m a firm believer in the concept that infidelity is a symptom of something else going on in the marriage. Was he lonely? Did he feel unloved or unfulfilled sexually?”